Monday, December 07, 2009

All I Want For Christmas is...

I would like to wish you all a very merry holiday season.
I,myself,find it hard to believe that it is Christmas.The days to me seem to go by so fast.I guess that is because I am trying to live a long life,in the short life I have been given.
This time of year is hard on everybody.There are so many extra tasks that need to be done.It is even more tense on those that do not feel very well.
I am the type of person who,no matter how I have felt,have always managed to put and keep a smile on my face.I am one to not let anyone know that I am in pain.This year I am finding that that is getting a little more difficult to do.
I have been to the malls a few times,but the walking is really taking my breath away.My Emphysema is getting worse.
I also found out from the brain scan that I had a couple of strokes of the brain.I am told the strokes must have been mild,as I ,Thank God,have not had any major residual affects.I have found though,that my memory has suffered some impairment.I have also noticed that at times I will write or say words backwards.I am very worried along with my doctor that a major stroke of the brain will occur.I guess with all this,it doesn't make the Merry Christmas,too merry.
We are all adults in our party of five for Christmas,and all family,so I am sure if I have not baked all the cookies,or got everything on the list,they will understand.
All I want for Christmas is...
1.A cure for all types of Cancer.
2.For poverty to never exist.
3.For countries to stay at peace

I want for myself to feel better again.I don't want to go to ten different doctors twenty times a month.I want my husband and my children to not have to worry about me anymore.I want most of all to be myself again.
Lung cancer is only a fraction of all I am facing,but it is the combination of the emphysema,and fibromalgia that makes some days not so good.
I will as always though,kick myself up and get it all just right,and on time for Christmas,which I pray will be a very merry one.
So everybody,my point is...don't fret,just get on with it.
I have some good books from amazon on here for those of you with cancer or those who have loved ones with cancer.I have read most of them.Check them out!
A gret we site to read loads of cancer stories is

Have a very Merry Christmas



Friday, November 13, 2009


Hello again.I have wonderful news to report.My six month check up with my lung oncologist was a few days ago As you might remember,I have been so worried the cancer might have spread.I had an xray and the results were;NO RETURN of the Cancer.Next appointment six months.
Thank You all for your prayers and well wishes,they worked again.I am now a 3.5 yr survivor of Lung Cancer.Yahoo!
My third bout of pneumonia is easing now,another round of antibiotics finished.My breathing is still a problem with the emphysema,but I am doing more breathing exercises and it is helping during the trying times.
I have just checked with my worker with my disability payments,and they said I could start a job,and they will continue with my benefits for up to a certain amount of income.I did apply and got a chance for an interview with the Government for a great position.I have to take a test and then they place you accordingly.The position is temporary,for about 2-4 mos.I am not sure how it is going to go,as it sure has been a while since I was out there.It is just that the disability payments are so low,no one can manage on them.I really hope it works out for me,as being around other people make this illness thing ,seem not so bad.I am not catchy,so no one has to worry.
They still have not given me the Brain Scan yet.I am amazed at how they could do that.The first scan showed I had a stroke,but they wanted to clarify it by repeating it.wouldn't you think it would matter to do it quickly?I know that a mild stroke can and usually leads to a major stroke.I apparently got very lucky on the last one and I have not suffered any residual effects.I sure do not need to be paralyzed on top of everything else.

Well,enough of medical jargon.We have a beautiful fall season happening here right now.I want to enjoy it,as there is a long cold winter ahead.I don't mind winter though,as then I don't feel so bad just sitting around.Ha! Ha!

Til next time remember.....



Saturday, October 31, 2009

I am Scared,but not because of Halloween

Hello all!Thank you Sue,and the best of luck in the future, and all the others that left a comment.All of your well wishes and prayers,really make a difference in my life.I really do not have a lot of friends.My husband retired a few years ago,and that is when I got ill.We have always spent most ,in fact all of our time together,so sometimes now it gets a little too quiet.So,Please keep writing,I appreciate it.
I am having such respiratory problems lately.
I am dealing with Pneumonia,again.In fact since May,this is the third time.NOT GOOD!
I have the part of my lung removed,and I have severe Emphysema.I am very frightened that I will be going on oxygen in the very near future.I really am in dire straits.
Last month I could walk around the malls,today,I am having a hard time to even bend over.With the H 1N1 out,I really do not think I want to go to an emergency room,because of all the germs floating around in there.I have all the signs of that flu,and definitely have the horrible aches and pains,that could just be the seasonal one,I hope.
I am also a prime candidate for the shot,and we have run out of supply.I am one of the unlucky ones who didn't get it.
I was afraid at first to take the shot,as with pneumonia and the flu already,I was sure it would kill me or something.
So,I am sitting here quite worried,but I feel that in the bigger picture,with the pandemic now,I do not think I would triage very quickly.I have therefore decided to lock myself up away from the main stream,til it all dies down.
I have my blog to write and more time to educate myself.
My surgeon is now talking about removing another lobe from my lung.It will make me have to stay on oxygen,and the risk of the surgery is very high.
I am almost inoperable.
I have severe Emphysema,I have had a heart attack,I have had an aneurysm of the Brain,Hypertension that is not under control,as of yet,and a liver that will not tolerate even the chemicals needed for the anesthesia.
Oh Yeah,I feel I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place,but lets face it,there isn't much of a choice.That is all I will say about it now,cause I already have too much on my plate.
NO,This Cancer is NOT FUN.
I am still trying very hard to keep positive,although this post doesn't sound like it.I still look forward to every morning,and thankful that I have been given another day.
My new normal is getting worse,but again,I know there are others worse off than me.
To see me in person,you would never know anything was wrong with me.I actually look better now,than ten years ago.The reason for that is that I quit drinking after being diagnosed with "Cirrhosis of the Liver"in 2002.
I really am not a whiner,and my pain threshold is pretty good.I also do not want to paint a pretty picture of what cancer is like,It is Not.
I believe it really makes a big difference how you deal with everything in your mind.If you feel miserable inside ,it will make the outside worse.
When the pain in my back is so bad,I put on a movie.It really does help to take your mind of it for awhile.
SO,Til next time ...



Tuesday, October 06, 2009


Welcome everyone.I am guilty of not writing lately.We had our youngest son with us for the summer,so things got a bit crazy around here.We are used to our own space,so it set me back a bit.
To bring you up to date....They did the Brain scan on September 9th.I contacted my GPs receptionist,who said they found something abnormal,but they wanted me to take the contrast dye to be able to focus more on what they found.Well,Here I am almost a month later waiting for another CT scan.The report shows I have or have had an "Infarction" of the brain.Now folks,this means I have had a stroke.Well,I am the most surprised as I am sure I would have shown some residual affects from such.I am so worried now,because what if I am having a stroke,and their delay could cause me death or disability.I know our medical system is busy, but I would think they would give me another scan right away.I am taking baby aspirin for now,and praying that this isn't another year of worry.
If I have had a stroke,then I am truly blessed to have survived it.

Going off that subject.I had "Bells Palsy a few years back and was fortunate to have a minor problem.My left side of my mouth has a slight droop to it,but I know of worst cases.And,if that isn't that cats meow on the silent stroke thing,two months ago they told me I had a silent Heart attack.My God,I am such a loud person to have had all these silent things.I am sure that the ekg was right,and I am thankful I survived,but shouldn't I be on some medications to prevent a further occurrence.Doctors are just too busy to personalize each case I guess.
I hate all this waiting for the diagnosis.My specialists are doing tests all the time,but nothing is being done.
Maybe I shouldnt complain,but I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place right now.It is the Not knowing that kills me.
On a lighter note.I have been reading a lot of your blogs on cancer,and will surely hear from you in the future.
meanwhile,check out
This blog helps us all to realise we are not alone.

Til next time ,Remember



Sunday, September 13, 2009

Lung Cancer and All Those Doctor Visits

This post is just my personal experience on my doctor visits.I have read a lot of clinical information on the net.I have followed clinical research on my cancer..When the doctor told me I had lung cancer,I was on the internet for hours every day.What was really happening with my body?What has caused it to want to die?

I therefore consider myself to have some knowledge of the medical facts with regard to my lung cancer.

I have a non-small cell stage 1.I have had a lobe of my lung successfully removed and I am in my 42nd month of clear check ups.
My Doctor has saved my life,truthfully,a few times in the last 15 years.
He listens to me.
He was able to pick up from the symptoms I gave him and head me off to see a specialist in the required field of my ailment.For example;I found a lump in my breast and within a week ,I had a mammogram,and a biopsy,which Thank God,revealed that it was not cancer.He believed me and he acted on that.One other time,he knew that I was drinking a lot.He suggested I see a specialist,again,and the specialist saved my life.I was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the Liver.I was on the edge of death. I didn't get there a minute too soon,or a minute too late.I stopped drinking after that scare and have remained sober with a regenerated liver for the last seven years.
Yes,Communication with your doctor is one of the best life savers there is.
Doctors have too many patients now days,and really no patience.Pardon the pun.They do not have the time to really spend listening to all our aches and pains and every other problems we have. My suggestion is,to write things down.Don't make a big list,and in fact just concentrate on getting to the point with your physician as quickly as you can.I know of a lot of doctors that do not let their patients do too much of the talking,and that I think is a big mistake.
I like and appreciate when doctors show RESPECT for ME.I like when a doctor shakes my hand.I like when they take the time to listen.
I find some doctors,like other professions,have attitudes.I have noticed the disgust in their faces,when they know that I smoked .I have felt stereo typed when they have read my file that says I was a drinker.I sometimes feel that that is when we fall between the cracks.
When I was first diagnosed with lung cancer,it felt like the doctor was just telling me something he says everyday.He showed no emotion.It was so matter of fact.I agree though that at that point it was urgent to operate rather than talk.I had a two week warning before they cut the right lobe of my lung off and also removed a two inch tumor.
Wow!That was all so fast it seems when I look back at it now.The emotional dealing with this is the hardest part.I have never had a councillor or anyone ever suggest to me to join a group of others in my situation.I have not received any emotional help from the medical system.
I have dealt with my cancer through you,the readers.I have been able to write about what I am feeling,and I am now starting to feel some relief.
I am also thinking of a start up with others in my area,perhaps one night a week,just to talk about that hard word to say .the "C" word.
My advise to you who have recently been diagnosed is;Get a GOOD DOCTOR!Be informed about your condition.And,The most important of all,find someone to talk to,or find an outlet for that silent pain.
and Remember.....



Tuesday, September 08, 2009

TIME;Is it Running Out?

Tomorrow morning I have to have a CT scan to look for a brain tumor.I am very worried about getting the results for this test.

Lately,I have acquired headaches.I guess headaches are pretty common,but I have never really had a problem with them myself.

My waves of nausea,which I have had for four years,are turning into vomiting.I have also been having uncontrolled spasms in my hands and feet.

Three of my oncologists have agreed that the symptoms call for a further review,hence the scan of the brain.

I have read that Brain Cancer is common as a secondary cancer to lung cancer.I suppose it is because they are close to each other.

I have also read that Brain Cancer kills you fast.

One has so many problems dealing with dying physically,and to have the responsibility of putting everything in order so quickly before you die,just throws me.

My God,I have been dealing with dying for 7 years now,and I have complained.I am alive now and I have had that time,so my heart goes out to those that were not given that time.

I do not want to know that I will die tomorrow.I have so many things I still want to do.

I met a lady three years ago that was diagnosed with three to five tumors in her brain.She was alive for three years.She had chemotherapy,and radiation treatments,but she had some time.I have heard that the prognosis on Brain Cancer is not very good.I am so afraid that the test will be positive and they will tell me I only have a couple of months.

I know I shouldn't think that nor should I worry til I know,but I can not help it.

Over the years of writing this blog,my research has been plentiful.I am aware of the spread of secondary cancers.I have tests on all other parts of my body to check for further spread.I have been blessed,all results have been negative.This one really worries me though,as the headaches are pretty bad now and are lasting longer.

I have another mountain to face,but I will get over it too.

Thank You all for your comments and support.You are a blessing!

Til next time Take Care and Remember



Tuesday, August 25, 2009

My Life Has a Mind

The aches and pains,the agony of not knowing what is coming next.
Cancer really sucks!
The diagnosis of Lung Cancer,Emphysema,Cirrhosis of the Liver,Heart attack,seizures,and diabetes,etc.etc.etc.has really gotten me down mentally as well as physically.
My life really does have a Mind.
My body gets up every morning,and Thank God,I am not attached to IV's or any other supports.I am in my own home.My body is at rest right now
But....I have had so many tests lately,so many scares.
The MRI'S,CT scans,ultra sounds of the heart and abdomen,these tests yield results and it is the results that scare me.
I have terminal lung cancer.The word says it all,doesn't it?
This was a positive journey as far as the physical ailments are concerned.I am still unable to be employed full time,and now can only do my passion and past career part time.
The tests showed that I have had a heart attack in the past.They say it was a silent heart attack.I guess it must have been,because other wise I am sure i would have known.The tests regarding my enlarged bile duct,turned out to be negative for Pancreatic Cancer.Thank God,again for that.
It is the mental distress any disease,fatal or not ,that takes its toll on so many.
I know that early diagnosis does save lives.I just sometimes wonder why I am bothering to go through all these tests.

I know I have Lung Cancer,I know I am going to die soon.Why do I really need to know anything else.
It seems the only time I get out lately is to see a doctor.
I also know how very lucky we are in this country to have doctors to see.
Don't get me wrong,I will always make the right choice,I hope.
I will however give a lot of thought to my last days.
I know that lung cancer is very painful in the end.I also know that I will have to have chemo in the near future.
I also know that at that point in time,I will have a lot of decisions on whether I even want to extend what will probably be a very painful existence.

When my time comes closer with each day that passes I hope to share with you some of my views on the different kinds of cancer treatments,and how and when we should consider them.

Though this post sounds so down,I still want you to remember



P.S Great Blog about all types of cancers and all types of people about to,or having to,face Cancer.Good Reads .check it out at

Friday, August 14, 2009

Lung Cancer:So Many Questions??

What happens to us when we are told we are going to die?
Where in the brain,where in the spirit do we go?
Who do we tell first?What plans should we be making?Where do we go from here?
These are just some of the questions I had in my mind,and still do.
Sure there are those few moments,that I am not always concentrating on the answers.
Lately,with the way I have been feeling,the fear is starting to rise in me again.
I had to go to emergency a few days ago.I had a very high blood pressure,almost off the charts.I had pneumonia and was having difficulty breathing.
I explained that I had lung cancer and was being treated for a chest infection.They gave me a chest xray and an EKG.Thank God ,the EKG showed I was not having a heart attack.The chest xray was questionable,even to the doctor.She was unsure what she was seeing in the chest xray,and was not sure if it was the pneumonia,that was going on,or the Lung Cancer,showing up again.
Well,that was a few days ago,so you can imagine how I feel.
I have a Ct scan to look for a Brain Tumor ,on September 9th.
I am really starting to get mentally and physically exhausted.
How can I pull myself out of this gloom?How can I keep a smile on my face for my family,so they do not worry?
Questions with no answers.That is the Emotional pain of disease of any kind.
The diagnosis of a Fatal Disease such as Lung Cancer,just awakens us to the realisation,that yes,we are human,and we do get sick,we are not infallible.
The acceptance of my fate has not yet happened to me.
I still DO BELIEVE that I will get through all this.Maybe there is no hope in reality,but I believe that "Think it ,So Be It".
I am going to keep thinking and praying that next time I post ,I might have found some answers.
I am sure open to your suggestions,or comments on how you might have dealt with all of these annoying,but normal problems.

Til next time ....Remember



Friday, July 24, 2009

LUNG CANCER:Desperate Times,Desperate Measures

I would like to take you to some emotional and physical aspects on your journey through Lung Cancer.

There are trials and tribulations.This blog is about some of mine,and not necessarily going to be the same as you.

Most of you that visit are living with cancer or know someone who is.Lung Cancer is only one of the cancers out there.Lung Cancer is the leading cause of death .

I had no idea I had lung cancer.Sure,I had been a smoker for a number of years and I had a bad cough,but even then,it just never occurred to me.I guess I thought that I was too young to die and that it only happened to older people.I had also been given a diagnosis of pneumonia for the prior three months.

I didn't cry when the surgeon told me.I just listened to my options.I decided within minutes that I would have the surgery to remove a 2" tumor from my lung.

I was at the hospital two weeks later on an operating table.The surgeon said my odds were not that great to make the operation,as I had high blood pressure,heart disease and liver disease.There was a 20% chance that I would not survive,but I heard in my mind that there was an 80% chance that I would.I liked my way of thinking.

They put me to sleep and that was all there was.I woke up with an array of machinery around me,but I was happy when I saw my husband and I knew I had made it.

I was really cut up though.They had to go in through my back to get the right lobe of the lung.I have a twelve inch scar,that is starting to fade now.I had 21 staples that were the size to build a house.They placed a chest tube to drain any clots that might have formed during the operation.That was the physical extent.They were giving me great medications for the pain ,and I felt normal.The stay after this procedure is usually 7-10 days,I was out in four.

The pathology report came a few weeks later and the diagnosis was stage 1 non small cell bronchial aveolear Cancer,or BAC,as it is known.

The thing was, that this cancer is normally found in people who DO NOT smoke.It is a rare cancer ,accounting for about 14-17% of all cancers.

I was so fortunate to have found the cancer early.I had great doctors and access to some good hospitals.

I now was left with not knowing what was going to happen next.Here we are at the emotional part.

I thought I should get prepared to die.I started to write letters to my sons and my mom and husband.I laid awake at night worrying what they would do without me.I was not scared to die,I just didn't want to hurt them.I guess that is a typical feeling with us women and mothers and wives.

I did not want to be a martyr either.I kept up my smile and didn't let anybody know how I really felt.In fact ,this blog holds my diary through those days.

Please read my posts from beginning to end as they tell this journey in time sequence better than my immediate posts.
Desperate times do call for desperate measures.I know that my disease is fatal.I also thought I would have died three years ago.I am here today because I was well enough to be able to continue my life normally.I know that many others can not.I also really know that when they say "Live for Today",that ,that is the best philosophy, to live by.
I have a lot of other problems arising now that are related to the first diagnosis,of Lung Cancer.I have a scan for a "Brain Tumor" coming in September.I have on going tests for the last three years as well.
Physically I sometimes have challenges,but emotionally,I am learning to deal with it.

Thank You all again for your comments and well wishes,.

So til next time ,Remember



Saturday, July 04, 2009

I Cried because I had no shoes,until....


Yes,I have been crying on here for three years now.I have been reading a lot of lung cancer blogs because it makes me feel like I am not the only one dealing with this disease.I was reading a story about a lady named "Doreen',and she writes a beautiful story.I had no idea how well off I was compared to her and her families problem, and so many others,that are in worse shape than me.

I realise now that some people couldn't even type on here to be able to tell their side of things.

You can read "Dor 's " blogs at
There are lots of great stories there on all types of cancers.
she is listed under lung cancer and her blog is listed as lung cancer survivor 06.
Going back to the title of this story.
I cried because I had no shoes,until I saw a man with no feet.

I will change the subject now and would like to tell you that the CT of my Heart came back NORMAL.
I am so happy about that.I had to kind of laugh though when the heart doctor,of course not realising I had lung cancer,says";You are going to live a long life."That would have been wonderful,but the reality is not that.
I have started getting severe headaches and I am vomiting regularly now.I have one more test to come.I had a CT scan of my Brain scheduled for March.I just didn't want to deal with it then,so I cancelled.
My doctors and me all expect that with my symptoms,I most likely have a "Brain Tumor".
I have just recently found this out.
The pain is so intense in my head that I can't even be in any light , and the sound of a pin dropping would make me screech.
I am just taking aspirin now,but I See my GP in a week and we will go from there,again!

Sad news about "Farrah Fawcett" last week and we also lost "Micheal Jackson".All of us older ones are losing lots of people we cared about.
I would like to Thank You all for bearing with my lack of posts,I will try to keep up more.

Til then...Remember



Wednesday, June 03, 2009

There is a Silver Lining

Hello everyone.
I have written many posts on here over the last three years.
I have shared with you my trials and my tribulations through "Lung Cancer"Cirrhosis of the Liver" and much more.
I hope that I helped some of you with knowing that others go through some of the same emotions as you do.
Cancer of any kind is so cruel in so many ways.It affects so many others than the patient.
I have not written so much on this blog about all the physical aspects of lung cancer.I do not profess the knowledge to do that.There are so many other wonderful sites that provide that information.
I started this blog with a positive attitude.I know I have had great concerns over the last few months,and I feel like I am whining.
Besides,It saves my husband from having to listen to it.
All Kidding aside,I have been to a lot of doctors and have endured many tests lately.
But in keeping with my "believe" theme of this blog,and of this disease I must tell you some good things.
My lung cancer has Not returned to my lung.The next check up is not til November.YEAH!
The stress test and heart ultra sound was normal.The doctor telling me that I would live a long life.Great News.
My livers enzymes have returned to normal.Amazing what a wonder organ the liver is to rehabilitate like that.
My bone scan revealed that the cancer had not spread to the bones.

Yes,God is surely with me.
So there is some silver lining in this black cloud!

I hope that those of you who have bad days,have good ones too.




Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Lying in Wait

Thank You all for your concerns and well wishes.

I saw my lung doctor last week.I had a chest xray,and Thank God,the cancer growth has NOT returned on my lung.He felt my neck ,and the lymph nodes area.He noticed that the lymph nodes were swollen,but didnt seem concerned at this point.

That is wonderful news.

I think I mentioned in my last

post that I was scheduled for an ultra sound of the heart,also.I had a stress test on the tread mill with all the wires attached to monitor my vitals.I have yet to receive the results on that test.I have apparently had a heart attack in the past,so they say.I think I would have remembered,but they say it must have been a "silent" heart attack,so that is why they are checking me out.

I developed a swollen face a month ago ,as well,and had all my doctors quite concerned.The reason they were concerned was that a swollen face with lung cancer can be something called"superior vena cara obstuction".That is when the lung cancer grows and causes an obstruction on the main vein in the body.The chest xray showed no signs of the disease.

That is also good news.

Now I must try to diagnose the reason for the swelling of the face.I have had almost every blood test known to man and mris and chest xrays,and everything turned out negative.I will work with my GP to obtain some more blood work to clear this up.The appearance of my face is not a worry.The fact that this could be connected to something more serious is.

The doctors had thought it was an allergy to a new drug they put me on,but as it turns out that was Not the case,the mystery goes on.

I am so thankful for the results of the lung cancer not returning that I can see a little clearer into another day.

The heart results will matter as what I will still be able to do.I am concerned,but do not want to sit and worry until it is time.

I haven't posted on here for awhile due to going through a bad spell for the last couple of months.I hope to keep you posted on the latest results of this crazy,but incredible journey more often in the future.

Thanks again all...

Til next time



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lung Cancer: The beginning,again

Another four month check up coming.This appointment is for the surgeon who did my lung operation.
Here we go again.I really haven't had much of a break from all the doctors the last few months,so this is very tiring.
I will have a chest xray,again,then he will put it in the light,and then tell me whether or not the cancer has returned,or gone on to stage 2.
This appointment is the worst.I find myself in the waiting room making so many promises to myself.I sit there thinking of all the things I meant to do,four months ago.I wonder if I will get another chance.
I am calling this post the beginning again,as it is always like the first time.
When you get a diagnosis of Cancer,your world stands still for what seems like forever.You will come back to reality pretty fast though,because there will be so many decisions you will have to make.
Depending on whether you had the blessing to get an early diagnosis,you might have to decide along with your doctor to have surgery or chemo.
I was able to have the right lobe of my lung removed and for the last three years all check ups have been good news.
I am glad to have made the decision for the operation.My odds were not good for surgery,but I not only survived,I had no complications,and till now,no other treatment,Thank God.
For those of you who are not familiar with any of my posts,and have no idea what I am talking about ,please read

Thank You for your comments and prayers.
I will keep you posted on the results.

Til then Remember



Thursday, April 09, 2009

Looking for Hope?

Welcome again to everyone.
I am aware that most of my visitors are going through lung cancer,or know someone who is.You are the ones that I write this blog for.
Three years ago,I went to the internet for some answers,many answers.
When you are diagnosed with"Lung Cancer" or any possibly fatal disease,most of us just want to know.

When they told me I had cancer,I went blank.You never think it will happen to you,so most of the time we are not prepared.
I went to the computer and typed in lung cancer,and lo and behold,there were others that were going through this.I just felt so much better.
My point on this post is just to say that I am not an authority on lung cancer,but I would like to say that I will continue to write about the emotional part of all this and hope that you to will read my previous posts,and that you too will come to Believe.



Saturday, February 28, 2009

Fatal Diagnosis :Letting it BE!

More tests ahead of me.

Good news is that the scare of "pancreatic" cancer,mentioned in my last post,was NOT found by the MRI test.The doctors other diagnosis of liver cancer was also ruled out.That is Great.The three weeks of wondering about those two fatal diseases put me in a daze.I know that Pancreatic cancer kills you fast.I started to look at life in minutes and hours.

Since the doctors have ruled out those two diseases they remain stumped as to a lot of my symptoms.

I still show a rise in the CEA blood test.That is the test they use to determine if a cancer is in you.

The waves of nausea I get,accompianed by the headaches and dizziness for 3 years has them wondering.I have been given all the tests for abdominal conditions,and they also came out negative.

Now the doctor wants me to have a brain CT scan.They think some of my symptoms represent a Brain Tumor.

All of these tests are quite concerning to me.They have told me that there is a risk associated with too many xrays.

In the past four months I have had,a nuclear radiation test for Bone Cancer.I have chest xrays every four months for the last three years to keep watch on my lung cancer.I have just had the MRI and now there heading for my brain.

I am getting close to saying "The heck with it"I sometimes think that I really do not want the actual diagnosis again.I feel okay.

"I am in good shape,for the shape I am in"

Every time I see a doctor I keep getting all this gloomy news.My husband is getting sick listening to all my talk about dying,funeral,last wishe s,etc.

I want to move on .

I have just ordered some business cards for myself and will return,with baby steps to get back into living again.

One feels like they should not make plans.

I am going to take one day at a time now,and instead of worrying so much I will just wait til they make the final diagnosis,and Hopefully after all their tests they can treat me.

So like I always say;



Thursday, February 05, 2009


Lung Cancer was the first diagnosis.When the surgeon told me that he had to remove part of my lung due to lung cancer,my life passed before me.All I could think about was my loss to my loved ones.I worried how they would get over it.I did not think,"poor me".
The last three years I have spoken on here about all the emotional pain that goes with this.I put my life on hold and went faithfully to every follow up appointment,waiting for the surgeon to tell me that the cancer was gone.
He has never told me that the cancer will not come back but only that I do have a fatal disease and that he is on the ready to go ahead with chemo or radiation,if necessary when he sees me.
I lived my life in four month stages waiting for the final diagnosis of Lung Cancer returning and taking my life for good.
I have been blessed, as most with this disease are not so fortunate to have had this time.
My cancer was caught early by coincidence.
My ekg had showed I had had a heart attack.Upon further investigation it was revealed that the lung was out of whack.Hence,the operation was scheduled two weeks later.I have no regrets at the quick decisions that had to be made.There are so many cases of lung cancer that are too far gone to be operable.I was diagnosed with stage 1.I have not really noticed any greater shortness of breath due to the lobe of the lung being removed.I still have emphysema,but it is manageable.
Now my point about "Dealing with Dying Again" is this.
I have recently seen a doctor who is giving me tests with regard to a new diagnosis.I have been told that I most likely have "pancreatic Cancer".
Well,My God,I have no idea how that happened.They are saying that perhaps the cancer from my lung has spread through the lymph nodes to my liver and pancreas.Well,Here I go again.
I sit here now,more so than before,and I am planning my death.
I am trying to be positive ,sure,but I have to be realistic a well.
I am not a stupid person,and I consider myself well versed on most medical situations.I am however at my wits end to deal with all this morbid doctor visit,tell me all these terrible things trip.
My poor husband.We still should have 30 years ahead of us.I still want to see grandchildren.
Right now I feel like this is the winter of my life.I want to make plans ,but again,everything is on hold until the next appointment.
I want my doctors to tell me straight out how long I have so I can make plans.But,on the other hand I want to cover my ears so I wont hear them.
I want to do so many more things before I die,and I am so afraid that the pancreatic cancer will make me very ill and unable to.
Pancreatic cancer is known as the "silent killer".I read that the life span upon diagnosis is very short.I understand it is very painful.I understand.
I think I try to get through all of this by being in a third person state.I know it is happening to me,but I try my best to try and not think about it.When I feel I am having a good day with out any aches and pains ,I find I really still do plan for a future.It helps,but it is only a temporary solution.
I am dealing with dying again,but I guess as long as I have a breath,I will always "Believe" that there still could be hope.

I want to thank you all for your comments and prayers over the last three years.You should know that everyone one of them is felt and needed.Thank You.

Doctor for results regarding the MRI for the pancreatic cancer will be February 12th.I will post on here when I know.

Til then



Sunday, January 25, 2009

Worry is a Waste of Time

Another week of worry. I had to postpone my appointment last week with the liver cancer doctor due to weather.I have had severe vomiting all week and I am counting the hours til I see him.The test is an ERCP.They will stick a long tube down my throat,yuck!,and they will probe around with a camera.Apparently,if and when they find something,they can maybe fix it right then.I understand that they can blast stones they find and also put in stents.I think they can drain excess bile as well.I am not to informed about it yet.

I am so worried.I know I said I would deal with the diagnosis at the time but it is a very good chance that my problem there in my liver,may be worse than the lung cancer.If my liver has developed cancer,that cancer would be considered secondary to the lung cancer.The liver,I think kills you quicker.

My God,I haven't much of a choice,do I?I am praying that I might just have an ulcer,or even kidney stones.That is bad to,but not as bad as finding out the cancer has metastasised from the lung.
I am not really showing signs of cirrhosis again.I have not lost weight and my skin does not have a yellow tinge.
But I worry.
These physical conditions can sure screw up your head spiritually and mentally.
My poor family is so scared as well.
I wish I could wake up and find this last three years was a nightmare.
The lung cancer in 2006,now this and apparently,last week I had an EKG and they told me I had had a heart attack.Well,That was overwhelming for me.I do not remember having a heart attack.They plan to do all the tests for that on Friday with a heart specialist.I have to go Tuesday and I kind of think they will keep me in for a few days with this "bile duct" diagnosis.My heart doctor is three days later,so I might have to cancel that appointment til I recover from the liver one.
Am I going crazy?How much more can I take.
I can sit here and write this blog,I can walk and talk and I am not on oxygen for my emphysema,so sometimes I feel like I am not that bad off.
I still wake up in the morning and Thank God every night when I have had a good day.
So,I guess I am not disillusioned that much yet.

Lung cancer,cirrosis,emphysema,heart disease,fibromalgia and I am still here.
I am sure there is a reason.

Til next time



Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Whats Happening Now

Hello my Dear readers.,
The new year is not starting so good for me.
Lung Cancer,Liver Disease,Emphysema,Fibromalgia,and now they want to do a test,an MRCP.This is an image xray to examine my "Bile Duct".
My doctor discovered this after a series of numerous tests.I had been reporting nausea for a few years now,and then when they found the lung cancer,the focus was on that and not such a minimal thing as nausea.
I did keep insisting that maybe my liver,which was damaged with "Cirrhosis" had some of the lung cancer cancer spread to it.
Now I found out yesterday that I might have pancreatic Cancer.
My God!How much can one take?
Will this be the straw that broke this camels back?
I do pride myself on keeping up with my health issues.I know I don't feel well,but I hate to complain because I know there are others that are a lot worse off then me.
I will take the tests ,deal with the results when I know them and let you know.
Thanks for coming back and staying in touch.Please have a Great New Year.



I do wish You a Happy New year.
I hope you keep your health resolutions,and keep your DR.appointments


welcome.It is a blessing to be here with you today. I will begin from the last post .It has been awhile since I posted and hope I can catch...