Custom Search

Saturday, November 20, 2010

THE CHOICE TO DIE

I would like to choose how I die.I do not imagine one normally gives much thought to that.After receiving all my death notices from my doctors,I am starting to realise that I am not dealing with too many life choices.
I feel like I would like a "Grand Departure".
I am on "hold" right now from some real devastating news.The Lung Cancer in my right lung has not returned at this point,Thank God!My emphysema has worsened,and of course with part of my lung removed,my breathing is quite bad.An MRI awaits me and some endoscopy to find and perhaps blast some kidney or bladder stone that have formed.Oh!Lovely.
How can I concentrate on living with all this on my mind.So.....I have decided to plan and be prepared to die.
As morbid as this sounds,it is my reality.I have already tried "living in the moment".It is impossible.I find myself,lying to myself.How could I sit there on a Monday and plan for Friday?Every time I try to plan,something comes up with my health and it doesn't work out.
I just want to plan my demise.I want to see people now,not at my funeral.I want to have a honeymoon after being married for 41 years and never having even a vacation.I want to right all the wrongs I have done.I want to most of all,Prepare my family to continue without me.I want my loved ones to know that ,I have no regrets.
I am probably not going to die tomorrow,but I might.my odds are pretty good in that favor.I knew,and know that I want to live,but the wanting doesn't matter here.I want to be brave and face the reality of this.
I also want to believe.....
so til next time remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe