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THE CHOICE TO DIE

I would like to choose how I die.I do not imagine one normally gives much thought to that.After receiving all my death notices from my doctors,I am starting to realise that I am not dealing with too many life choices.
I feel like I would like a "Grand Departure".
I am on "hold" right now from some real devastating news.The Lung Cancer in my right lung has not returned at this point,Thank God!My emphysema has worsened,and of course with part of my lung removed,my breathing is quite bad.An MRI awaits me and some endoscopy to find and perhaps blast some kidney or bladder stone that have formed.Oh!Lovely.
How can I concentrate on living with all this on my mind.So.....I have decided to plan and be prepared to die.
As morbid as this sounds,it is my reality.I have already tried "living in the moment".It is impossible.I find myself,lying to myself.How could I sit there on a Monday and plan for Friday?Every time I try to plan,something comes up with my health an…

Keep on Living,If You're Not Prepared to Die

Thanksgiving this year was a meditating one.I thought about all the things I gave thanks for over the years,and some new ones I have added.I am especially Thankful to still be here writing these posts. I started this journal after I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.I never thought this journey would be that long,and with so many roads to travel.Since my lung cancer diagnosis,I have been diagnosed with Emphysema,cirrhosis of the liver,hypertension,and I have had a heart attack and a stroke.In the last six months I have lost my right kidney.The kidney got blocked and the renal artery couldn't flow properly,I think.My God,you say.How can I still be here after all that?I can't answer that,but I can say I am truly blessed.
I read about others who have lung cancer,that are not as fortunate.I have learned a lot on how others feel when they go through all different cancers.Please check out
http://beingcancer.net
on so many other points of view.Lung Cancer takes you fast and sometimes you a…

Feeling like I'm Fixing to Die

Hello everyone.It has been awhile since my last post,sorry.The fact is I have had no more news on my kidney failure,liver or lung cancer.I am again caught up in the system.My new doctor wants to start all over again.She thinks that perhaps my liver might have caused my kidney to fail.My right kidney is completely occluded at this point.I have already had the two MRI's that have determined what is going on,they just do not know why.We do know that the kidneys were damaged by "Hypertension",which is high blood pressure.I have been in and out of emergency rooms for 1.5 years now.When I went there I was checked for a heart attack and released.I wasn't given any follow up or information with regard to this causing kidney failure.I know now why they call high blood pressure the silent killer.I also have a cirrhosis of the liver,which is now causing even greater problems.They have me scheduled now for an ultrasound of the liver.You know,through all this,I have never been …

Living to Die

Welcome.I am on a hiatus right now from my physicians.It feels good to be test free for awhile.Lung Cancer doctor hopefully not til November.I also see a respirologist for my emphysema in the end part of August.I am usually attending appointments lately so it is nice to have a bit of a break.Can YOU imagine what it is like to continue to live when your going to die.?I know we are all going to die,but come on now,at least live to a ripe old age.I really do not know how much more I can play this phys game.Thank God,though my mind has suffered some residual affects from the stroke,that I can still form thoughts.I think it is great that I can still reason.It makes it a bit harder when you know the truth.A terminal diagnosis once is a stress.I can tell you after about ten major terminal diagnosis that I had,that the emotional side of cancer or any other fatal illness in the real killer.
I live on the edge everyday.It takes me longer to try harder to keep going some days.I always fight to ke…

Just Another Brick in the Wall.

Welcome.This blog is becoming like a horror story lately.Lung cancer,Heart Attacks,Emphysema,and a stroke were and are very terrifying.The last diagnosis of renal failure left me numb.They say I have lost one of my kidneys,and my other one is partially blocked off.That is all they say.I have not been given any medications or rules to follow.I am going through the same things as I was before they told me.I am dumbfounded at our system,that with all their resources,they can not find someone who will just tell me whats going on.I cant even get to see a doctor for three months.I live in Canada,and I thought we were doing well.I do have doctors,but our system is overloaded.
I am numb because every time I take a step forward,the doctors do another test and find out something else is wrong.Fine,Fine,Fine.I will have to deal with it.I do not know if I can anymore,but I am going to try.Believe me.
The doctors also told me that a stroke is evident at anytime.Wow!Try living with that one.Oh,and by…

FATAL DIAGNOSIS:Not Dealing with Dying.

Welcome.


Hello all.I have the test results back.


Not only am I dying,but I am dying soon.


I now have to ask myself the question.How do I feel about actually dying.


I'll tell you.


I am already dead in my mind.I cannot let it all sink in right now.I guess I just don"t want to accept it.


Yes ,Folks,my results from the kidney scan revealed that I have lost my right kidney and my left one is partially blocked.


My lung cancer is back with suspicious findings.My,Oh,My.


I have written before about how many times I have beat the odds on death.

I have also been truly blessed and have not been short of many miracles.

I have lived with emphysema,and have,so far,not had to use oxygen.I am a four and a half year survivor of lung cancer.I should have died in 2002,with cirrhosis of the liver.My liver regenerated,though I still have the disease.I should have been disfigured from "Bells Palsy",but only a minor facial affect.I have had a stroke and two heart attacks.I am here writing this now.

T…

Diagnosis:Lung Cancer:Looking Back

It was just over four years ago that I was diagnosed with lung cancer.Lately,I have been trying to recall what led up to that.
I remember the coughing.It was an uncontrollable cough.For five months I was treated for pneumonia with antibiotics.I finally realised that this was more serious,and my doctor had a CT scan done in January 06.They removed a two inch tumor from the lobe of my right lung two weeks later.I had stage 1 lung cancer of the lung.
My operation was very invasive,leaving me alive,but with a twelve inch scar,and a part of my body missing.
There was no choice,and no other option.It was the right decision.I would not be here had they not caught it on time.I also credit good communication with my doctors for the quickness in which they reacted.
I wasn't in any real pain,before they found the cancer.I guess when I look at photos from then though,I see that I was haggard looking,and very tired.
Now ,all this time later,I actually feel worse than before.My emphysema has ,of cou…

Mine is;To Do or Die

Hello Everyone.
I am now starting to accept all the trials I have in front of me.I suppose the not dealing with everything finally has caught up to me.
I found out ,after waiting in fear for four months,that the MRA test I am having on May 25th is Not the operation on the kidneys.I was under the assumption that they were going to put a stent in my renal artery that day.It turns out this is the test to focus on the renal area and determine whether or not to operate.The previous test revealed renal stenosis,enlarged bile duct,and the damaged liver.When they finally make the diagnosis,it will be the time to run and hide or face it.
If I run ,I face kidney failure,or at least having to go on a dialysis machine for the rest of my life.If I have the stent put in the renal artery,I risk complications of infection,that could be fatal.I suppose I am dead if I do and dead if I don't.What a decision,that really is up to me.I hope my doctors will choose the right way,but it is going to ultimat…

Lungs in Limbo

Welcome;
Oncologist for my lungs was seen last week.The lung cancer has shown up again on the chest x-ray.That fear I have had every 4-6 months has come true.The situation now is to have further tests ,as he doesn't trust just the chest one.He wants a CT scan,which will distinguish the difference of a tumor or no tumor.He thinks that the emphysema is very bad and that I have a scar from recent pneumonia,so there is still some hope on that.On either of those possibilities it is hard for me to know which one I Hope it is.I have been definitely left in limbo.
My breathing seems to be getting worse now.I try to blame it on old age,but I am not that hold.I already have to face the fact that I smoked for 40+ years and caused most of this.Lungs are sure important,and I guess we take them for granted some time.I can't repair my lungs,but I still might be able to save my life.My doctor will probably preform another "lobectomy",a removal of the lobe of the lung.He has warned me …

Facing the Truth

The time has come folks.They are unveiling the hidden object.I want to look away in Case it is hideous,I want to look just so I know.
The test results are in.Actually,it is many test results.My kidneys are failing,the ct scan revealed a stroke or possible tumors on my brain,and the EKG for the heart shows I have had a heart attack in the past and that with everything else,including the lung cancer and hypertension,I am certainly on the"its going to happen again list".
This is really mind boggling.
Sure,as some of you have noted,I have a positiveattitude.I have also NOT been in severe pain,nor have I had to go through chemotherapy.I am just in the waiting game stage.
This last month has me getting a little worried.I think I am starting to fear the worse.Maybe if I think of all the bad things that could happen,I might be able to be more realistic of the truth.
I have some options medically.I am not a doctor,but I have the internet to review some procedures that will be required,…

FROZEN ASSETS

Welcome.
I apologize for the delay in my posts.
I have been around and back in my mind and my body of late.
I had been left with so many questions last time I wrote.I am now facing the answers.
I saw my cardiac specialist yesterday,to be told that I will most likely have a heart attack or else my kidneys are going to fail.Well!Try to absorb that diagnosis.Personally,I do not think I have allowed it to sink in yet.
I was okay with the waiting for all the results,now,much better than knowing.
They have also found other things like "Gout"I do not even know what that is,but I do not seem to have any symptoms.
This news is still so fresh to me.I want to put off any decisions about the options I was given until I see my Lung Cancer doctor on May 5th.I guess that sounds like an excuse?
I was accepted at a place of employment where I had been trying to get into for three years.I am on call for a position there.I suppose now that my plans are on hold.That saddens me,as I actually thought tha…

Happy Birthday to Me

I am so happy to be here for my 59th birthday on March 17th,St.Patrick's Day.
The lung cancer diagnosis,prior to my birthday in February 2006,was definitely not a time to expect even another one year.
Am I wiser?I think I have become more conscious of my life.I feel more control in my decisions.My priorities have changed.I now look before I leap.Yes,I think I am wiser.
I am also a Little more afraid.The reality of all of my problems sink in more everyday.
My latest diagnosis of possible renal failure and kidney disease has got me down a bit.
The lung cancer,emphysema,cirrhosis,heart attack and stroke and now this has kept me awake a few nights.
Sometimes I think that I will not worry til I have to.Sometimes I think I need to worry,or at least face some truths,so that I will be able to deal with all the consequences later.You really have to be realistic at this stage of the game also.
I still try to be positive.I know that doesn't change the way things are,but it gets me a better…

Believe

Welcome everyone.I have been a bit behind on my posts,as I have been awaiting test results from different doctors.
My brain scan revealed that I had a stroke.They can not say when I had it,but I definitely remember having it.I had such a bad headache and everything went blurry,and I vomited.I had that happen in May of 2009.I had had similar situations and with not feeling too bad for the next few days I did nothing about it.I finally arranged a scan for July and of course I waited til September for the results.I have a very short memory now,and I become a bit backwards in some things.I type funny sometimes and I can't remember words as well.I am very very lucky though as strokes can be fatal,and have many more lasting effects.I am blessed once again.
I also mentioned last post about waiting for the MRI results.I got the not so good news a few days ago.They suspect that I have "renal stenosis".They said that the artery in my kidney is pinched off and causing the high,un…

TERMINAL DIAGNOSIS:FACING the FACTS

Hello,Welcome to my blog on lung cancer,and other diseases that wreak havoc with ones' body and mind.

I have written lately of all the diagnostic tests that we have to determine our physical dilemmas.The tests that take a long time to wait for to do,and sometimes too long to get the results.

I really am fed up with all the tests,but I can tell you,the waiting is bad and unfortunately the results can be worse.

Today I wait for my phone to ring to tell me the results of an MRI that was done on my abdomen.They are looking for Pancreatic Cancer,Liver Cancer,kidney stones,or any other abnormality they can find.

Yes,Just wonderful isn't it.Now is the part where I tell myself that everything will be okay.If I hear the phone ring,I know my heart will stop for a minute,as I think they wouldn't call if all was alright.If the call doesn't come today,I will still start thinking about what will happen when it does.

Then it will be time to face the facts.

I get these scares all the time.I…

A New Year Begins

Welcome.I would like to wish all of you a very Healthy,Happy New Year.

I also would at this time express my condolences to the people of Haiti,and all the loved ones this catastrophe has affected.

I find myself hesitating to write this post of my worries and troubles,as I almost feel that I have no right to complain,when others have so much more to worry about.

I managed to have a good safe Christmas with family this year.I did have a scare and was taken by ambulance to a hospital.My blood pressure was so high I was almost convulsing.I was given an EKG,and it was determined that I was not in immediate danger.I was released the next day,with plans to see an internal medicine doctor.They said that with the continuous hypertension the last year ,they had to do some tests to see why I have the high blood pressure.I am going for an MRI today ,of the abdomen which will see the kidneys,liver,pancreas and stomach.There could be a blockage,or an artery that is being pinched off.

I hate that I am s…