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Sunday, November 19, 2006

KNOWING and DOING

This morning I am contemplating.I am not sure if I am sick or well.It seems to me that all the real stuff like "lung cancer' and "emphysema" have got me thinking that I am in pretty bad shape.The thing is I do not feel as bad,yet,as it seems to say.
I have good days and bad days.I am limited on some things.The confusion comes with the waiting.
I do not want to wake up every day and feel that this might be the end.I have not had cancer before,so I really do not know the symptoms that will tell me it is over.
I still try to plan the week,month or following year.I am still thinking positive.

I am not that knowledgeable as to the step to step,day to day,progress on this disease.I do shudder though as I read all the clinical reports on here,and talk to friends who have lost loved ones.
I know this is going to hurt.I know that it will hit fast and hard.I also know I do not want to KNOW!

I do want to be fully educated on "lung cancer",as far as medical facts go.I allow myself to keep up to date as far as doctors appointments and such.I allow myself to sort of think,once in a while,about a will I should possibly make.
I do not want to allow myself to see into the future where I am saying good-bye to all the people who I have loved.I do not allow myself to think of the horrible physical pain I will be in.

But I am starting to Allow myself to accept this;

Now comes the dealing with it part.I have written a lot of posts on here and we all know that most of them are positive,but I am starting to think that some of them should start to be negative as well.
I know that I am not going to go through this like a magic ferry .I would like to,but that wont happen.
Maybe this is the acceptance stage.I am not too sure I am going to like this one.

I would like to Thank You all again for dropping by and leaving the wonderful,caring,and genuine comments.
I also welcome you to write me and let me know how you feel about this post or any of the others.I like feedback!

DON"T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Recalling the Day of my Lung Cancer Operation

I am now recalling the day of my lung operation.
I know I was just not ready to say good-bye.
I was 6:00A.M,and it being February ,a very cold,blustery winter day.I arrived to the hospital pre admission clinic.There was hardly anyone around at that time in the morning.I felt so alone.
My husband was with me but I didn't have my mom or my children near.I just knew I could not go out this way.I ,of course,like most people,did not have a plan to die.I guess now,I figure,I would at least choose to have family around.I want someone or everyone to know that I am at peace when I pass.It would have been too much of a shock to my family if I died from the "lobectomy".That was february28th.This is now.This is reflection.
Now ,I will have to think about death again.Now,this time I will hope to plan a little better.
I have been reading a lot on the lung cancer issue on here.I do know that I will get bad,and then I will get worse.I also know that time is short,and that no time can be alloted to worrying about it.
This time I will arrange for the ones I love to know about my disease and to educate them on the prognosis.I will have arranged a hospital or care facility to look after me.I will not be alone next time.
To all of you that are reading this blog and commenting,Thank You!
There is still a little hope after a diagnosis of "Lung Cancer",and I am living proof!
The operation saved my life.I was very blessed to have the cancer diagnosed at an early stage.I think they may have got it.I pray that I will remain free of it spreading for a while to come.
Til next time.
DON"T STOP BELIEVING!
believe

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Authenticating Myself

Having a fatal disease sure makes one think about a lot of different things.
I have been trying to find the REAL me.
I mean,I am a daughter ,a wife,a mother,and I still really do not even know who I am.Maybe that sounds crazy???or...Is there a lot of you out there that feel the same?
I have had a philosophy,or favorite saying for many years.I have always said that I did not ever want to lie dying with any Regrets.
I have been coming to terms with others over the last few years.
I have had a lot of atoning to do to the people in my life that I hurt when i was drinking.There is not a day that goes by that I do not atone to myself.
I guess doing those daily things will eventually lead up to the No regrets.
I also have to face that I am here and now.I must still tend to my daily agenda of being a wife to my husband.I still call my mother twice a day .I am Thankful that two of my three children are within a few miles of me.My mother is not near me,and it is tough.I have not told her about my cancer.I feel that she could not do anything about it and I love her enough, not to worry her.It seems,sometimes that after I do all those responsibilities there is so little time to take for looking inside MYSELF.
I do not come from the "Me,Myself and I"generation.I am from the"Leave it to Beaver" series.Actually,I think my generation kind of got stuck in the middle.
I guess my point is that,I am trying to "Authenticate"myself.
The hard thing to do, is to try to think about a beginning,while you are thinking about the end,.I feel that is a dilemma in itself;.
I am not dealing with a lot of the options,I have had previously.I am dealing with an income that has dropped by $1000.00 a month and medical bills that are taking a toll.I am unable to work,and have now applied to CPP for a disability pension,but they have taken three years already and still no check or progress.
I do have my computer,and the use of my arms and legs.I have music.I have stories to tell,and I have all of you,who take the time to care.
I am going to authenticate myself through my daily journey,as one day at a time is ALL I have right now.
Thank You all again for bearing with me on this rollar coaster ride.I will say though,through the clouds in the sky,I still do see a beautiful shining Sun!
I have not gotten any news from the doctors on my latest tests.I always think that no news is good news.I am at the point of waiting for that next check-up.The day when they tell you whether or not the Cancer has spread.
I am using a few inhalers,andI am very fortunate that I do not have too many other pills,as those sprayers are so expensive!
Today,I am looking forward to having a visit from both of my sons.I am truly Blessed.
I will close this short post for now,

DON"T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe