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Showing posts from November, 2006

KNOWING and DOING

This morning I am contemplating.I am not sure if I am sick or well.It seems to me that all the real stuff like "lung cancer' and "emphysema" have got me thinking that I am in pretty bad shape.The thing is I do not feel as bad,yet,as it seems to say.
I have good days and bad days.I am limited on some things.The confusion comes with the waiting.
I do not want to wake up every day and feel that this might be the end.I have not had cancer before,so I really do not know the symptoms that will tell me it is over.
I still try to plan the week,month or following year.I am still thinking positive.

I am not that knowledgeable as to the step to step,day to day,progress on this disease.I do shudder though as I read all the clinical reports on here,and talk to friends who have lost loved ones.
I know this is going to hurt.I know that it will hit fast and hard.I also know I do not want to KNOW!

I do want to be fully educated on "lung cancer",as far as medical facts go.I allow…

Recalling the Day of my Lung Cancer Operation

I am now recalling the day of my lung operation.
I know I was just not ready to say good-bye.
I was 6:00A.M,and it being February ,a very cold,blustery winter day.I arrived to the hospital pre admission clinic.There was hardly anyone around at that time in the morning.I felt so alone.
My husband was with me but I didn't have my mom or my children near.I just knew I could not go out this way.I ,of course,like most people,did not have a plan to die.I guess now,I figure,I would at least choose to have family around.I want someone or everyone to know that I am at peace when I pass.It would have been too much of a shock to my family if I died from the "lobectomy".That was february28th.This is now.This is reflection.
Now ,I will have to think about death again.Now,this time I will hope to plan a little better.
I have been reading a lot on the lung cancer issue on here.I do know that I will get bad,and then I will get worse.I also know that time is short,and that no time can be allo…

Authenticating Myself

Having a fatal disease sure makes one think about a lot of different things.
I have been trying to find the REAL me.
I mean,I am a daughter ,a wife,a mother,and I still really do not even know who I am.Maybe that sounds crazy???or...Is there a lot of you out there that feel the same?
I have had a philosophy,or favorite saying for many years.I have always said that I did not ever want to lie dying with any Regrets.
I have been coming to terms with others over the last few years.
I have had a lot of atoning to do to the people in my life that I hurt when i was drinking.There is not a day that goes by that I do not atone to myself.
I guess doing those daily things will eventually lead up to the No regrets.
I also have to face that I am here and now.I must still tend to my daily agenda of being a wife to my husband.I still call my mother twice a day .I am Thankful that two of my three children are within a few miles of me.My mother is not near me,and it is tough.I have not told her about my canc…