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Sunday, November 05, 2006

Authenticating Myself

Having a fatal disease sure makes one think about a lot of different things.
I have been trying to find the REAL me.
I mean,I am a daughter ,a wife,a mother,and I still really do not even know who I am.Maybe that sounds crazy???or...Is there a lot of you out there that feel the same?
I have had a philosophy,or favorite saying for many years.I have always said that I did not ever want to lie dying with any Regrets.
I have been coming to terms with others over the last few years.
I have had a lot of atoning to do to the people in my life that I hurt when i was drinking.There is not a day that goes by that I do not atone to myself.
I guess doing those daily things will eventually lead up to the No regrets.
I also have to face that I am here and now.I must still tend to my daily agenda of being a wife to my husband.I still call my mother twice a day .I am Thankful that two of my three children are within a few miles of me.My mother is not near me,and it is tough.I have not told her about my cancer.I feel that she could not do anything about it and I love her enough, not to worry her.It seems,sometimes that after I do all those responsibilities there is so little time to take for looking inside MYSELF.
I do not come from the "Me,Myself and I"generation.I am from the"Leave it to Beaver" series.Actually,I think my generation kind of got stuck in the middle.
I guess my point is that,I am trying to "Authenticate"myself.
The hard thing to do, is to try to think about a beginning,while you are thinking about the end,.I feel that is a dilemma in itself;.
I am not dealing with a lot of the options,I have had previously.I am dealing with an income that has dropped by $1000.00 a month and medical bills that are taking a toll.I am unable to work,and have now applied to CPP for a disability pension,but they have taken three years already and still no check or progress.
I do have my computer,and the use of my arms and legs.I have music.I have stories to tell,and I have all of you,who take the time to care.
I am going to authenticate myself through my daily journey,as one day at a time is ALL I have right now.
Thank You all again for bearing with me on this rollar coaster ride.I will say though,through the clouds in the sky,I still do see a beautiful shining Sun!
I have not gotten any news from the doctors on my latest tests.I always think that no news is good news.I am at the point of waiting for that next check-up.The day when they tell you whether or not the Cancer has spread.
I am using a few inhalers,andI am very fortunate that I do not have too many other pills,as those sprayers are so expensive!
Today,I am looking forward to having a visit from both of my sons.I am truly Blessed.
I will close this short post for now,

DON"T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The reason why you have beat all those odds does seem incredible but it just goes to show that your very strong will and positive attitude has brought you through these incidences against the odds. Keep it up and Don't Stop Believing! I know you won't...

....sp