Having a fatal disease sure makes one think about a lot of different things.
I have been trying to find the REAL me.
I mean,I am a daughter ,a wife,a mother,and I still really do not even know who I am.Maybe that sounds crazy???or...Is there a lot of you out there that feel the same?
I have had a philosophy,or favorite saying for many years.I have always said that I did not ever want to lie dying with any Regrets.
I have been coming to terms with others over the last few years.
I have had a lot of atoning to do to the people in my life that I hurt when i was drinking.There is not a day that goes by that I do not atone to myself.
I guess doing those daily things will eventually lead up to the No regrets.
I also have to face that I am here and now.I must still tend to my daily agenda of being a wife to my husband.I still call my mother twice a day .I am Thankful that two of my three children are within a few miles of me.My mother is not near me,and it is tough.I have not told her about my cancer.I feel that she could not do anything about it and I love her enough, not to worry her.It seems,sometimes that after I do all those responsibilities there is so little time to take for looking inside MYSELF.
I do not come from the "Me,Myself and I"generation.I am from the"Leave it to Beaver" series.Actually,I think my generation kind of got stuck in the middle.
I guess my point is that,I am trying to "Authenticate"myself.
The hard thing to do, is to try to think about a beginning,while you are thinking about the end,.I feel that is a dilemma in itself;.
I am not dealing with a lot of the options,I have had previously.I am dealing with an income that has dropped by $1000.00 a month and medical bills that are taking a toll.I am unable to work,and have now applied to CPP for a disability pension,but they have taken three years already and still no check or progress.
I do have my computer,and the use of my arms and legs.I have music.I have stories to tell,and I have all of you,who take the time to care.
I am going to authenticate myself through my daily journey,as one day at a time is ALL I have right now.
Thank You all again for bearing with me on this rollar coaster ride.I will say though,through the clouds in the sky,I still do see a beautiful shining Sun!
I have not gotten any news from the doctors on my latest tests.I always think that no news is good news.I am at the point of waiting for that next check-up.The day when they tell you whether or not the Cancer has spread.
I am using a few inhalers,andI am very fortunate that I do not have too many other pills,as those sprayers are so expensive!
Today,I am looking forward to having a visit from both of my sons.I am truly Blessed.
I will close this short post for now,
DON"T STOP BELIEVING!