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Thursday, February 05, 2009

DEALING with DYING,AGAIN.

Lung Cancer was the first diagnosis.When the surgeon told me that he had to remove part of my lung due to lung cancer,my life passed before me.All I could think about was my loss to my loved ones.I worried how they would get over it.I did not think,"poor me".
The last three years I have spoken on here about all the emotional pain that goes with this.I put my life on hold and went faithfully to every follow up appointment,waiting for the surgeon to tell me that the cancer was gone.
He has never told me that the cancer will not come back but only that I do have a fatal disease and that he is on the ready to go ahead with chemo or radiation,if necessary when he sees me.
I lived my life in four month stages waiting for the final diagnosis of Lung Cancer returning and taking my life for good.
I have been blessed, as most with this disease are not so fortunate to have had this time.
My cancer was caught early by coincidence.
My ekg had showed I had had a heart attack.Upon further investigation it was revealed that the lung was out of whack.Hence,the operation was scheduled two weeks later.I have no regrets at the quick decisions that had to be made.There are so many cases of lung cancer that are too far gone to be operable.I was diagnosed with stage 1.I have not really noticed any greater shortness of breath due to the lobe of the lung being removed.I still have emphysema,but it is manageable.
Now my point about "Dealing with Dying Again" is this.
I have recently seen a doctor who is giving me tests with regard to a new diagnosis.I have been told that I most likely have "pancreatic Cancer".
Well,My God,I have no idea how that happened.They are saying that perhaps the cancer from my lung has spread through the lymph nodes to my liver and pancreas.Well,Here I go again.
I sit here now,more so than before,and I am planning my death.
I am trying to be positive ,sure,but I have to be realistic a well.
I am not a stupid person,and I consider myself well versed on most medical situations.I am however at my wits end to deal with all this morbid doctor visit,tell me all these terrible things trip.
My poor husband.We still should have 30 years ahead of us.I still want to see grandchildren.
Right now I feel like this is the winter of my life.I want to make plans ,but again,everything is on hold until the next appointment.
I want my doctors to tell me straight out how long I have so I can make plans.But,on the other hand I want to cover my ears so I wont hear them.
I want to do so many more things before I die,and I am so afraid that the pancreatic cancer will make me very ill and unable to.
Pancreatic cancer is known as the "silent killer".I read that the life span upon diagnosis is very short.I understand it is very painful.I understand.
I think I try to get through all of this by being in a third person state.I know it is happening to me,but I try my best to try and not think about it.When I feel I am having a good day with out any aches and pains ,I find I really still do plan for a future.It helps,but it is only a temporary solution.
I am dealing with dying again,but I guess as long as I have a breath,I will always "Believe" that there still could be hope.

I want to thank you all for your comments and prayers over the last three years.You should know that everyone one of them is felt and needed.Thank You.

Doctor for results regarding the MRI for the pancreatic cancer will be February 12th.I will post on here when I know.

Til then


DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

2 comments:

John said...

i stumbled on your blog and find your love of life reassuring. good luck with those test results - i'm sure everything will turn up well for you. my thoughts and prayers are of course with you.

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