My Mother passed away a few days ago.I never told her that I had "Lung Cancer".That was the hardest thing for me,but the best for her.
One would think that a daughter would automatically tell her mother that she was ill and was going to die soon.I did not say a word.
This death of my mom is a hard one.It was a blessing though,as she did not suffer and just fell asleep,knowing she would be with her loved ones soon.It is very hard on me,because there are things I never told her.
I know that by not telling her,it was the most unselfish thing I have ever done.It would have killed her.How do I know that?
She would take my face in her hand,quite often of late,and tell me"Darling,Please take care of yourself as it would kill me to lose you,as parents must die before their children".
She came to visit me shortly after my lung was removed.I had a scar of twelve inches and the look of staple marks on my back.She would sleep with me at night,and wonder why I did not change my clothes in the room.I wore t shirts over my bathing suit ,I was so afraid she would know.
I wanted to reach out to her and have her protect me from this cancer.I wanted her to make it better.
She had COPD,and a bad heart.I have the same.I know when I saw her it was me laying there,and that was an awakening for me,at least I hope it was.
I never whine about the cancer I have.I do not use my condition to get anything.I tell my husband the truth,and I try to hold back some of the gory details from my children.
I am a christian ,and I do not ordinarily Lie.I have only done so ,as to not worry others.I can carry the grief of many,I am a Mother,a Wife ,and until a few days ago a daughter.
I know that telling the truth to my mother would not have changed anything.We were already close.
I think that I was able to give her the best years of my life and I am sure she enjoyed the last few of hers.
This post is about wanting to share with you about my loss,but there is another reason.
This disease of Lung Cancer is FATAL.I think we all have to make peace with ourself in our life,and when our loved ones pass away,It is the best to have No regrets.
I have No Regrets about anything that happened in my life,and in the life I shared with my mother,
God Rest her Soul
I LOVE YOU MOM
DON"T STOP BELIEVING!