NEVER GIVE UP "HOPE"

THE WAITING ROOM

It is so quiet, you can hear the breaths of others clearly.My heart is missing beats and fluttering.I try to speak to announce my arrival at the clinic,and the receptionist tells me to take a seat.There are many others there.It is a respiratory clinic in "Winnipeg,Manitoba",and I am here to see my surgeon.The room is filled with others much worse off then myself.I see oxygen tanks.I see my future.I will sit here now,and somehow,I will wait til I hear my name called.I am in a moment.I will not have this again.

I am handed a form to give to the man who gives xrays.I walk down the hall and I am told to change into a gown,of course,done up in the back,and waist down ,off.I have had an xray by this man before,and I feel comfortable.I forget the importance of this,for a moment.I am so spaced out,that I head for the waiting room in my gown to see my doctor.How embarrassing. My mind goes back to the day of my operation.I see that on the wall of the waiting room is a picture.It is the same one I saw on the wall of my hospital room,minutes after surgery.I am freaked out.Is this some sign that history is repeating itself?

The picture is of trees,but it leaves a lot to the imagination.I saw it in my room in the hospital,the same one I am in now.There must be copies,I hope.I have found over the last year of dealing with this,the worst part is sitting in the waiting room,waiting.

The thoughts that go through my head for weeks before,come racing to my mind.I mentally make plans for every ones future.I am not thinking about myself.I am not thinking about the pain that comes with this. I find myself,almost trance like.I feel that I am detached from the reality of all this stuff that I will have to go through.I am thinking about how sad I will make my mom,my husband my children and my friends.That,is very hard to imagine.

I am not whining,I am not sad for myself.I have been told I was going to die many times in the last six years.I am not hardened to that fact,I am just prepared.I have gone through my appointment dates and have almost rehearsed how it might go.I want to be called soon.I need to know if my xray has changed.I just need to know.

I am sitting there now,maybe just short of an hour,and I have promised myself so many things.I have prayed to my God,I have sat silently,alone,in the waiting room. My turn is next.

The assistant doctor will put up the xray for the twentieth time.They do not say anything but the look on the faces pretty well says it all.They are smiling and are reassuring that there is no recurrence at this time.

I was so full of questions to ask this time.I wrote notes to remember for the last four months.I just became speechless and did not want to push the good feelings.I really didn't want to know too much,as then I will have to deal with it.

If I have to face the truth on this deadly diagnosis of lung cancer,then I will have to admit defeat or triumph.I choose the latter.I am strong emotionally,and have fought many battles.I will get through this one,one step at a time.

I will have other appointments with oncologists and specialists for all the other parts of my body.There are no more "my doctor" situations.There seems to be a doctor for every part.

I live out in the suburbs so getting to all these appointments is difficult at times.

I hate the waiting.I hate hospitals and I hate waiting rooms.

I think I can stay out of the waiting rooms for at least a month.I hate going there with all the viruses that are spread around.

I am very prone to pneumonia in my condition,and that would kill me.So,I hope to keep on doing what I am doing,and pray that I am doing it right.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe